Ben & Jerry's PMS flavor: Bloated Gimmechocolatenow Fuck You Hold Me Peanut Butter Swirl.

Let's make fake plans together.

Nicholas Sparks should just name all his novels "Someone Is Going To Die".

New Facebook relationship status: "I have no fucking clue what's going on".

It's a good thing "what the fuck do you want?!" doesn't voice activate answering an incoming phone call.

Nothing creepier than a girl who doesn't have photos of herself online.

All I want is a guy who doesn't cuddle, texts me once a day and gets shitfaced with me on weekends. Is that too much to ask??

I just pulled a muscle, stretching for my phone in bed. Is this rock bottom?

Sometimes, I add stuff to my To Do list that I've done already just so I can cancel it out and validate my entire existence.

Why on earth was Marty McFly carrying around a picture of his siblings to begin with?

Nothing like 3 seconds of extinguished flame smell to mask 3 hours of vanilla scented candle.

If we work together, we can stop men from wearing necklaces!

Nothing pisses me off more than the email confirming I've unsubscribed from an email list.

I do my best acting when I'm choosing fruit.

Anyone going for a 69 past the age of 30 didn't have sexually adventurous 20's.

My life is in shambles and instead of doing anything about it, I googled "shambles".

If that Kavinsky voice gave me a night call to tell me how he feels, I'll cry and tell him what my favorite scary movie is.

"Waterfalls" is my favorite song about low ambitions.

Why do people hate on brunch so much? Any meal that encourages champagne at 11am is alright with me.

If you break the bed during sex, there's a 99% chance it was just a really crappy bed.