I don't understand banks. Why do they attach chains to their pens? If I am trusting you with my money, you should trust me with your pens.

Cats will be the hardest zombies to kill, with their -9 lives and all.

I just want to be loved enough for someone to hesitate to shoot me after I become a zombie.

You know what I do for a living? I read people. And you, my friend, are a coloring book.

I love life, but life has a boyfriend.

If you love someone who doesn't give a fuck about you, then that's probably the reason they don't give a fuck about you.

I wish I was as invisible as you make me feel.

I just fought with a guy for a seat on the bus and I think we made it to third base.

Nobody licked me today. I wonder what that's all about.

You can almost pass a lie detector test if you answer every question with "go fish."

I just drank so much coffee, I feel like I can shake a billion snowglobes.

I might not be the brightest crayon in the crayon box... But that's only because I'm not a fucking crayon.

I measure my success rate of each day by the amount of human interaction I narrowly avoid.

I said one of my tweets in regular conversation and everyone laughed... Definitely not as good as a star.

Who needs love when you have vodka?

A unicorn sneezed on me and now I'm made out of ice cream.

You know that sound cows make when they're dying? Yeah, my girlfriend just did that when we ran out of ice cream.

I can't update my Facebook status without feeling like I'm betraying you guys.

If anyone wants a retarded brother, let me know. Also, let me know if you want a dead body, I can hook you up with that too.

If airplanes were alive, they would probably eat clouds like cotton candy.