Two pairs of socks keep my feet warm, but three of them make me feel like I'm wearing a cast.

Okay, fuck that last tweet. Shit probably dropped my IQ by like, a hundred and two. And a half.

PeOpLe wHo TyPe LiKe ThIs MuSt HaVe A hArD tImE dEcIdInG wHeThEr tO yElL oR tAlK nOrMaLlY.

LET'S CUT OPEN BABY PENGUINS AND EAT THEM!!!!

Just kidding. Please don't unfollow me.

If I had a cake with David Bowie's name on it, I'd be all like, "Why does this cake have David Bowie's name on it?"

Hey guys, what's a good way to kill yourself besides guns and listening to boy bands?

Someone told me that cutting myself is wrong, but how do I know they're not playing a trick on me.

Dying alone is way easier when you're always alone.

I'd never save a baby from a burning building because I'm too busy saving myself time by not doing it.

I can buy my groceries faster than every turtle ever so FUCK YOU I'M NOT USELESS.

I don't talk to strangers, but I would if they were a penguin or something.

If the fast food worker wants to spit in my food, I'm gonna spit on the money I hand over to him.

The only way to get me to go to rehab is by putting a bakery, a McDonald's, and whorehouse in it as well.

I wish more women were like cats. Feed them once and they always come back to you.

I just saw a cat get ran over by a truck and its brain splattered all over the ground. Good thing it has eight more lives.

I just saw a shampoo commercial of a girl taking a shower. How come when I tried filming my neighbor in one of those, I got in trouble?

I sound really smart if we start talking about the names of the planets and stuff.

I'll draw a raccoons face on a balloon and BAM! Easiest balloon animal ever.

If eyes are a window to the soul, does that mean that souls are houses?

I want to have a food fight with my ex-girlfriends. Except instead of food, we use guns.