Hey twitter girls, calm down. It's not a "Who's the sluttiest slut" competition.

My favorite time of day is beer.

Kiss me if I'm wrong but dinosaurs still exist, right?

Every fight is a food fight when you're a cannibal.

Every tweet is like a mini grammar adventure.

I wish they made mascara to hide your ugly personality.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

I'm just somebody that I used to know.

I want to make love to you.

With a knife.

They misspelled 'Dubstep'. They forgot the M.

Speech piracy - taking the words right out of my mouth.

The word 'drink' should never ever be singular.

Try to be better than yourself.

You can't drown your sorrow, it knows how to swim.

My smartphone is the gateway to sin.

I've only won the Lottery once.

I've been married to her for 14 years.

All that glitters ain't Ke$ha.

Nudity isn't a lack of clothes, it's a surplus of skin.

Tattoos are great if you like your skin getting raped by a needle.

I dream of a relationship like that of Oreos and milk.