When she followed me she seemed like a nice girl but 2 days later her avatar was naked. Must be a Catholic school bot.

Gave 6yo a talk re:being a leader vs. a follower. Then logged on to Twitter to follow people bc someone else told me to on Follow Friday.

Do they make sweatpants that just say BUTT on the butt? JUICY doesn't really apply anymore.

6yo, in a 3 minute span: Why do cement mixers spin? What does 'cuisine' mean? Can you crack your knuckles? Could I lift a potbellied pig?

With husband 17 years, married 8: it's our anniversary. I burned dinner & 6yo broke windshield wiper off my car. Also:wouldnt change a thing

6yo, on 1st day of school: Someone threw up in his HANDS! Me: What did everyone do? 6yo: Pretended to barf on each other! I LOVE 1st grade!

Just OH a 6th grader refer to the line of fat kindergarteners as "canklegarteners". I need to find his mom to be my new best friend.

HR asked for our surveys back. The ones that we had to hand write and then turn in to her, at her desk. The ones marked ANONYMOUS SURVEY.

My employer offers $250 to smokers to stop. Remember school when bad kids got prizes to be good & good kids didn't get shit? It's like that.

Husband thinks I have H1N1. Comforts me with "Don't worry, you're too old to die from it." _Someone_ is getting licked in his sleep tonight.

My hair is almost long enough to donate, but when I tried to make the appointment they said they only take "head hair." PICKY.

Does this mayonnaise stain on my shirt make me look white?

Those mean girls from high school? They grow up to be mean mommies.

To keep from eating more Halloween candy, I ate a cookie. I mean 8 cookies. Yeah, I could've thought that one through better.

Either I need more people to follow or they need to tweet more. Come on people, this day isn’t going to waste itself.

I got a Google Wave invite right after I had Taco Bell! Okay, there was no Google involved.

Met father of kid in 6yo's class. Pretty sure 2 Halloweens ago he was the one wandering around showing everyone a potato hidden in his pants

Coworker is eating the shit out of a tootsie pop & telling me his thoughts on Norwegian tax law. Does playing dead work with people too?

Ever not star a tweet right away because if you're first people will know you were home at the computer on a Saturday night? NO, ME EITHER.

Just encountered the high school bus for the first time. Bunch of nerds in this neighborhood.