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During sex you burn as many calories as running 5 miles. Who the fuck runs 5 miles in 30 seconds?
I just found an iPhone app that makes my face look fat. It's called "camera"
Who the Fuck is this Moderation that everyone keeps telling me to drink with?
To the woman with the screaming kids in Walmart: If you're wondering how the condoms got in your cart....You're welcome
I'm not on Twitter for Stars, I'm here because saying this shit out loud to myself would just be weird and awkward
Pop Tarts aren't "tart" at all. Don't even get me started on Sea Horses
Ladies: sometimes you just need a hug
In the vagina
With a penis
It's not hard to make a name for yourself on Twitter
(it's in the settings)
This morning sex would be a lot better if it wasn't just me
If a girls tongue being pierced really mattered, then I would have my palm pierced!
Your level of hotness is in your tweets. Not your AVI
Failure is just another word for experience
I strive to be the person that my kids already think I am
The Star and RT buttons are right next to each other you lazy fuckers!
What the fuck? Twitter isn't a dating site?
Look dude: if I'm checking out your woman, then take that shit as a compliment. Il buy you a beer and you can tell me how she likes to fuck
She's a complicated masterpiece. Respect that.
I don't get people. I mean I got socks for Xmas once, but I never get people.
Women don't know what they want
Men don't know what they have
-In the same room
-doing our own thing
-don't have to talk to each other
-still couldn't love each other more
I save old people from coyotes. BFF: @AlexandriaSweet
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