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Being Facebook friends with a Twitter follower is like running into someone you met in AA at a bar.
Everyone on Facebook is either getting married or pregnant. Everyone on Twitter is just getting drunk. I like Twitter better.
Sometimes, it's better to be quiet than right.
Twitter's just a place where normal things happen to people and they react by LOSING THEIR SHIT
On a golf course in the middle of the day about to have a light lunch. Is this what it feels like to be white?
Apparently using the term "ridinkidonks" to describe last quarter's results is frowned upon.
Gave into the pumpkin spice latte craze. Gentlemen, it's worth the temporary testicle ascension.
If you drink red bull from a straw, you're taking life too seriously. Fact.
That's just how I roll! -bread
Dear girl in the apt with the curtains open watching tv, I think your dinner is on fire. Hope you see this in time.
Why are farmers broke if all this organic crap is so expensive?
Can someone PLEASE explain Turkey Bacon to me?! Was it a bird or a pig...or some sort of synthetic bird-pig? IS THAT HAPPENING?
Couples who share 1 email address: it's not like a home address...there's plenty to go around. GET YOUR OWN.
Ugh, I wish I could unfollow people in the real world. The same idiots keep popping up in my life feed.
Overheard at work: How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
#RemoveOneLetterFilms Ark Knight Rises: Noah Makes a Comeback
The worst chains are invisible.
Even at the boorish height of their slang, British thugs sound a little classy.
“Laugh and the world laughs with you. Weep and you weep alone.”
Don't RT this if you find me hilarious.
I fast forward through tense moments in movies to see how situations are resolved, then rewind back to the original scene. I don't eat things with moms.