If I don't reply to your @ I'm not stuck up or cocky. It's just too much like a conversation and if I was good at those I would go outside.

Broke my toddler's habit of putting everything in his mouth with a 9 volt. I feel like I've earned this #1 dad shirt.

If you've ever seen me naked, it was cold

Gave my pubes a reverse mullet so no one will ever think the parties in the back

Bieber trends daily and we're making fun of Facebook?

I'm going to open a $1.07 store becuase I think people would appreciate my upfrontness about sales tax

Once you go white, you'll be financially alright.

Don't know braile, but If you have acne I imagine your face reads I'm single

If a man says he doesn't want a smartphone it is another mans duty to tell him you can watch porn on them

Somewhere in the world a teenager is wondering, just where does the saying "broken record" come form

I'm no airplane scientest but you think the guy that places the windows would have talked to the guy that places the seats

Why does the sound of the recliner opening always remind my wife the trash needs taking out

Four stars and 30 minutes later, I no longer think my last tweet has the chance to go "Viral"

Just invented a long range baby monitor with duct tape and walkie talkies.....liqour store here I come

My wife has only farted in front of me 3 times in our 5 years of marriage what bothers me is they all happened this week

I don't mind the option to press 2 for spanish but Fuck you if I have to press 1 for english

Named my penis Richard becuase it's long for Dick

Is it wrong, when at an interview, to ask if the company's internet filter blocks twitter?

You know you have a body hair problem when your wife nicknames you ZZ bottom

Boobs, work, beer, kids, blowjobs, hangovers, I'll take things that start with the letter B Alex