Even in retrospect, telling my boss to "shut his weiner cleaner" was completely worth it...

I've got 99 problems, but this clown holding a chainsaw looking in my window is the one I will address first...

Every time my boss has ever turned his back on me I've air humped him. I know this because we are watching the security footage now...

Just had a completely one sided dance-off with my boss...he looked pretty ridiculous just standing there.

I stuck my finger through the fly of my pants and poked my boss in the ear with it at his desk...personally, I think he overreacted.

Took 28 years but I finally timed a sneeze and orgasm together. I woke up 20 minutes later blind in one eye and covered in shit. Worth it...

If I ever catch a squirrel you can bet your ass I'm making a fur coat for my dick...

So as long as you go to work everyday you're not an alcoholic and normal people lose pants sometimes right?

No one is pretty on the inside. They're disgusting, just bloody chunks of meat and bone...nice try tho fat girls.

My girlfriend's testicle polishing chamber is making noises that sound an awful lot like words. Yesterday I saw her putting food in it...

clit·o·ris [klit-er-is] – noun Anatomy: small pea shaped and sized mass of tissue located at the back of the female throat.

My boss now knows that if he puts his face a 1/2" away from mine to yell at me he gets a little kiss on the tip of his nose...

Show me on the doll where you got your false sense of entitlement...

If I'm ever kissing your neck, whispering sweet nothings into your ear with my hands all over your body just try not to be a dude, ok?

Wtf? I just found out that it's actually against the law to touch other peoples food with your weiner...I hate this place.

I kind of doubt the 'once you go black' rule applies to presidents...

Click send. See typo. Shit pants. Click delete. Retype. Click send. No one noticed...in my mind.

Running down the street with a dildo up your ass screaming "I love dick!" is exactly the same thing as tucking in your t-shirt...

So I guess sharing a urinal is something you should discuss with the guy that's already there...never got that memo.

I'm pretty tough but I can guarantee I'd spray liquid shit all over the floor if I ever opened my closet and saw a clown...