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Even in retrospect, telling my boss to "shut his weiner cleaner" was completely worth it...
Every time my boss has ever turned his back on me I've air humped him. I know this because we are watching the security footage now...
I've got 99 problems, but this clown holding a chainsaw looking in my window is the one I will address first...
Took 28 years but I finally timed a sneeze and orgasm together. I woke up 20 minutes later blind in one eye and covered in shit. Worth it...
The new guy at work has two teardrop tattoos by his eye. He must be very sensitive. I'll give him a hug and and introduce myself at break...
Accidentally texted this to the wrong person "can't wait to have my tongue buried in you're ass". So embarrassed, it should've said "your".
If I ever catch a squirrel you can bet your ass I'm making a fur coat for my dick...
My girlfriend's testicle polishing chamber is making noises that sound an awful lot like words. Yesterday I saw her putting food in it...
Just had a completely one sided dance-off with my boss...he looked pretty ridiculous just standing there.
No one is pretty on the inside. They're disgusting, just bloody chunks of meat and bone...nice try tho fat girls.
Remember that one time when Chewbacca finally cleared his throat, shaved his face and changed his name to Oprah?
Wtf? I just found out that it's actually against the law to touch other peoples food with your weiner...I hate this place.
My boss now knows that if he puts his face a 1/2" away from mine to yell at me he gets a little kiss on the tip of his nose...
I stuck my finger through the fly of my pants and poked my boss in the ear with it at his desk...personally, I think he overreacted.
When someone tries to talk to me at the urinal I just take three steps back and start doing the helicopter until they leave...
The best part of pulling up next to someone who has their window down at a stoplight is their face when you toss a turtle into their car...
clit·o·ris [klit-er-is] – noun Anatomy: small pea shaped and sized mass of tissue located at the back of the female throat.
I'm vulgar.
