why does every drug addict on television have better teeth than i do?

how come the therapists on television always have British accents but people in the UK don't have feelings?

20-year-old Demi Lovato says she wants to be a mom in 5 years. Well Demi, with the right attitude, i think you could do it in just 9 months.

For one short halftime show we all had the same sexual preference #Beyonce

i just called the plumber. it was on my bucket list.

okay Petco, I get it. you'll cut my cat's nails but you won't wax my eyebrows. don't have to be rude about it tho.

What's the appropriate greeting card to send to thank someone for appearing in your anxiety dream?

Bruce Willis put his $22mill home on the market. the place has 11 bathrooms, which is great if you’re the Brady Bunch. Or lactose intolerant

when your computer purrs louder than your '99 Ford Escort, should you spend your money on more plaid shirts?

"what kind of sociopath doesn't like cats?" is a great response when the gal interviewing u for a job asks "do u have any questions for us?"

i imagine the eulogy at my funeral will just be someone shrugging their shoulders and saying "mo' cats, mo' problems"

LOL is wasted on the youth

missed my first LA earthquake because i was in the bathroom. that's also why i never learned how to say the days of the week in Spanish.

BRB, out buying a horse #Budweiser #CommercialWorked

Dirty Dancing is on ABC Family right now. So I assume if you turn on MTV right now it will be porn galore.

a Fiat is a great car if you like to backseat drive in a literal way.

i'm glad money doesn't grow on trees, cause that'd just be one more thing to recycle.

not to brag, but i just had a google blackout with this 2008 article as the grand finale: "Hillary Swank Is Still Sore Over '90210' Firing"

why do they still need Cinnamon Toast Crunch commercials?

Having a heck of a good time shooting #7Wonders for @wonderwallmsn with the hilarrrrrrious & talented @kirbykristen pic.twitter.com/n7c9GCPPhl