I'm not sexist because I think the majority of other women I encounter are stupid. I'm narcissistic and right.

Something about going to my kid's school and seeing all those little faces makes me wanna masturbate with a coat hanger, just in case.

Ppl that ask 'what do atheists scream during sex' make me want to stab a fork in their neck to see what they scream w/ a fork in their neck.

I support unborn babies' right to stay that way.

Every time a plane crashes I'm convinced god is a bratty 3y/o slamming his toys on the ground. "NOT LIKE PLANES ANYMORE!"

Synonyms for retard (in case you don't want to offend anyone): Libertarian, Spiritual Not Religious, Pregnant.

When Jesus stands you up again this weekend are you going to quit being so fucking clingy?

Eternal torture is the PERFECT way to show you're a forgiving god!

Turns out the number 1 cause of stroke in the elderly is trying to get pictures off a digital camera.

If you get turned on by tweets.... you should try sex sometime.

I expect to see at least one of you make the big time on To Catch a Predator.

Considered taking a deep breath & splashing a little water on my face but decided taking a Xanax & drooling on myself was the better option.

I'm going to put my Twitter posts on Facebook and my Facebook posts on Twitter and see which friends list gets to zero first.

The things that get me unfriended on Facebook get stars on Twitter.

Went to the bar to have a beer w/ a friend. Saw people from high school and decided alcohol poisoning was the better option.

I love how republitards say we're obviously just scared of Palin and the teaparty & they're right, I'm scared for our gene pool.

Churches offering counseling? Isn't that like Sarah Palin offering tutoring?

I feel like those bartenders, last night, were doing their damndest to retroactively abort me.

You ever notice how smart Christians are? Yeah me neither.

Lecturing me about the dangers of smoking is just as dangerous as smoking. The evidence for this can be found chopped up in my freezer.