Anyone else notice that extra 'm' in 'mormon'?

Just learned that putting my kid down for his nap doesn't involve standing at the foot of his crib & insulting him until he goes to sleep.

It's ridiculous how they only sell single-serving bottles of wine.

I bet all the beautiful women who want to sleep with me get really depressed when they learn that they're imaginary.

It could just be the cocaine talking, but shame on me if I let a little paranoid schizophrenia stop me from becoming a kindergarten teacher.

It's International Women's Day and my wife saw her shadow, so it looks like we're in for another six weeks of no sex :(

I wish there was a place I could go to collect all the wonderful things people are giving up for Lent.

When black guys say "holla at ya boy", I'm sometimes so intimidated I actually do start yelling at my son

Yuck! I can still taste my dog's dick through the peanut butter. Am I doing this wrong?

My wife and I got kinky and tried "the shocker". That's what we call it when we have sex.

I feel fantastic today! Oh no, do you think I was a victim of identity theft?!?

Out with the boys tonight, so I removed my wedding ring, but totally forgot to remove the way women find me so repulsive.

For a show called "The Good Wife", that main character sure does have a lot of dialogue.

I made a sex tape, but I have erectile dysfunction so it's just soft porn.

I love my family. I don't know what I'd do without them besides whatever the fuck I want, all the fucking time

I'm volunteering my services as a human shield because sometimes I just want to be held.

My favorite holiday is when the clock strikes midnight in Vegas and we all celebrate New ATM Withdrawal Limit Day!

I can tell that my brother-in-law's chin smells like scrotum by the way he calls baseball uniforms "outfits".

I'm going to tell my wife about my twitter account because I'm extremely curious about the afterlife.

Wait, so Dexter isn't a series of instructional videos?