being over 200lbs in a bikini is not cool. unless your a brown bear, a brown bear in a bikini would be cool as fuck.

he body slammed me onto the bed and I totally farted. that's considered cute, right?

but hey! if you have a small dick there's a way better chance of me letting you put it in my ass! don't get discouraged, boys!

"I watch porn.how else do ya think I learned how to suck a dick so well w so little experience."-how I trick guys into thinking im not a hoe

who the fuck makes a guy wear a condom when they give them blowjobs. that's just inhumane right there.

only five hundred more followers till my dad loves me!!

there's never a wrong side of the bed when you wake up to oral sex.

twitter - the online version of shouting into darkness and hoping someones listening

if you didn't eat a quarter pound of bacon smashed between two pieces of bread for breakfast this morning then your not on my level. go away

#fourwordsbeforesex "ingrown hair.. I swear!"

it's cute how KFC always shows white people working their commercials.

if I ever meet a guy that takes my mind off Twitter,I might just marry him. but I don't see that happening so dont expect me to go anywhere

it's an uphill battle explaining any cut or bruise when your family thinks your a raging alcholic

I need to save my puns for Twitter because here I get stars, in real life I get made fun of.

I just want a boyfriend who's as impressed with my follower count as I am...

"wanna get high and go to the pool later?" - this dude knows how to get me out of bed!!!

When life hands you lemons, take a dump in the corner.

yeah coworker,I've got my hand in my pants in the copy room and I'm not takin it out just bc your in here too. -typed w one hand

how do you tell a guy you think he's hott and wanna see his dick to decide whether or not it's big enough for you to wanna get to know him?

I smell like bad descisions [vodka,barf,sex]