of all the things i've stuck in my vagina, my ex was the worst.

i salt my margaritas with tears

why haven't people in zombie movies ever seen a damn zombie movie?

i miss awkwardly making out with someone so rigorously that our teeth knock together

i love retweets. it's like my followers are helping me infect the minds of others.

ladies, when a guy you're talking to is staring at your cleavage just press your boobs together and talk ace ventura style at them. i do!

you guys, i think my vagina's fat.

it's good to talk about things you have in common while on a first date. i like to start off with,"so, we're both going to die eventually."

i should be drunk at a bar right now demanding strangers to hug me and touch my butt a little.

i feel kind of bad when guys at work are trying to get close to my beauty and they wander into my fart radius

over plucked one of my eyebrows.. now i'm going to look slightly surprised for the holiday season.

THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR A BAD BLOWJOB! figure it out ladies!... honestly.

...i'm being followed by a christian hip hop group... you guys did catch all the baby eating and devil worshiping tweets right?

i'm sure if i was skinny enough someone would love me and not take me for granted.

sometimes i have a strong urge to stab a fucker in the face, repeatedly, with a very large knife.

i like to sit with my legs spread while wearing a skirt so i can feel the wind on my vagina.. feel that? feels like freedom!

my back itches so bad.. i should have never shaved it

i was away making fudge. anyone want to help me pack it?

whats that cigarette? you're the only one who will ever truly love me? i know.

if i was an opportunistic liar i bet i'd get lots more play.