I'm pretty sure the reason God rested on the 7th day is because he spent the night of the 6th creating brooze.

Irony = Someone posting a status about how broke they are and at the bottom of their post it says: 8 minutes ago via iPad2

The Kardashians are more fun if you think of them as a petting zoo for black athletes.

Marijuana. Much like Christianity, your most staunch supporters are often the biggest case against you.

Life is like a penis. Simple, soft, straight, relaxed, and hanging freely. Then women make it hard.

Glenn Rice Had a relationship with Sarah Palin? I'm assuming since he's black she can't be a Republican anymore.

97% of instructions I give end in "here, I'll do it."

Would like to thank all the people that helped me perfect my vacant stare.

If I park 20 spots from the store, in an empty parking lot and you park right next to me, I'm slamming my door into your car 34 times.

How do I delete this shitty app that lets people call me?

Doctor's say that one piece of bacon takes 9 min off of your life. That has to be the longest most delicious form of suicide ever.

Facebook asks what I'm thinking, Twitter asks what's happening, foursquare asks where I am. The internet has turned into a crazy girlfriend.

Common sense is so rare it's a God damn super power

Just put on some cologne from the Dollar Store because chicks dig it when I smell like back child support and restraining orders.

Bad news for the music lovers..Justin Bieber was found alive today.

Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a redneck murder: The DNA all matches & there are no dental records

Every time Snooki gets punched in the face The Smashing Pumpkins get a royalty check.

I don't know about you, but when I see red plastic cups, I immediately think, "Now THIS is going to be one classy party!"

Last night I got so fucked up I understood @charliesheen.

The only way I could see @redbull giving you wings is if it made feminine hygiene products. But irregular heart beats; they patented that.