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I'm pretty sure the reason God rested on the 7th day is because he spent the night of the 6th creating brooze.
Irony = Someone posting a status about how broke they are and at the bottom of their post it says: 8 minutes ago via iPad2
The Kardashians are more fun if you think of them as a petting zoo for black athletes.
Marijuana. Much like Christianity, your most staunch supporters are often the biggest case against you.
Life is like a penis. Simple, soft, straight, relaxed, and hanging freely. Then women make it hard.
Glenn Rice Had a relationship with Sarah Palin? I'm assuming since he's black she can't be a Republican anymore.
97% of instructions I give end in "here, I'll do it."
Would like to thank all the people that helped me perfect my vacant stare.
If I park 20 spots from the store, in an empty parking lot and you park right next to me, I'm slamming my door into your car 34 times.
How do I delete this shitty app that lets people call me?
Doctor's say that one piece of bacon takes 9 min off of your life. That has to be the longest most delicious form of suicide ever.
Facebook asks what I'm thinking, Twitter asks what's happening, foursquare asks where I am. The internet has turned into a crazy girlfriend.
Common sense is so rare it's a God damn super power
Just put on some cologne from the Dollar Store because chicks dig it when I smell like back child support and restraining orders.
Bad news for the music lovers..Justin Bieber was found alive today.
Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a redneck murder: The DNA all matches & there are no dental records
Every time Snooki gets punched in the face The Smashing Pumpkins get a royalty check.
I don't know about you, but when I see red plastic cups, I immediately think, "Now THIS is going to be one classy party!"
I wrote the novella @EllistonPlace. Stephen Baldwin once said my words in a movie I wrote. And I'm your Jedi James Dean in flip flops.