As much as I tried, no animals were harmed in the making of this tweet.

The hardest part about starting a career as a burglar is getting your foot in the door.

The Catholic Church has released a magazine on contraception. Apparently there’s a good pull-out section.

I'm not sure if my friend is gay but I'm pretty sure his cock tastes like shit.

What do we want? A simple, yet effective way of allowing Twitter users to have more than 140 characters in one tweet. When do we want it? No

Physicists like to experiment ‘til it hertz.

Puppets struggle to have no strings attached sex without going limp.

I quit my job as a radiator salesman after several arguments with customers. Let's just say the conversations got quite heated.

Just in case my degree doesn't work out, I also work part time as a mattress salesman. It's always nice to have something to fall back on.

I used to be open about my problems with bulimia but now I hate bringing it up.

Cult leaders are to die for

I quit my job as a salesmen for a glue company when I realised I was flogging a dead horse.

The reviews of my Jamaican wig shop were dreadfull.

What's worse that finding a worm in your Apple?

Taking it home and realising that it doesn't support flash.

CRACK COCAINE ROCKS.

Who are a gay exhibitionist's favourite rap group?

Public Enema

Taking heroin really gets under my skin.

I used to be in a relationship with an older woman but that quickly dried up.

I just received first place in an endurance race for the third year running.

Sanitary towels are a bloody rip-off.