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When people stutter, the polite thing to do is to start beat-boxing, right?
Celebrities who complain about not having a private life. Fuck you, come work in the book store if you want no one to notice you.
I've been so busy with relocating grandma to the cemetery. And she's not being helpful with her "no not yet" Some people are ungrateful.
Fuck this. Ill just drink beer in the bath and read Harry Potter until the world calms the fuck down.
Eating 365 apples today. I wanna get this shit over and done with.
I hear there's a field near my house where you can go if you want to get rid of your virginity. How awesome is that? A magical sex field.
Johnny Depp finally left his wife for Tim Burton.
Forgot to wake up rich and skinny and now my day is just ruined.
Hey straight kids, were your parents disappointed when you didn't come out?
Gay people are so annoyingly flamboyant. I usually just crank up the Björk and spin around in my Kimono until they leave.
You know what's worse than accidentally having a baby? Accidentally having a baby with an ugly person.
Changed the recycling bins label to "abortion can" and now I'm banned from the public library.
Took me 4 hours to explain to the life-insurance salesman that I have no life.
Morgan Freemam narrating a porno. I just rocked your world.
The Deathly Hallows is the last chapter in The Bible, right?
If I were a teletubbie I'd probably watch porn on my stomach all the time.
If you give me a bottle opener as a key-chain for my car then you're basically setting me up to die.
Just for today, I'd rather have a doughnut than sex.
I tell people I'm "self-employed" but actually I just wear big t-shirts as dresses while drinking boxed alcohol at home all day.
I'm supposed to put on pants now, 'cause I have to go into the public eye or some shit. Are they in for a fucking surprise!