after trying to kill this fly for two minutes, i've come to the conclusion that it's from five milliseconds in the future...

older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah

we are no where near adding humans to the endangered species list...


so, it's okay to hunt them for sport.

note: if you ever hear "fapfapfapfap..." coming from my room, it's just me runnin' on the treadmill wearing flipflops...


and masturbating.

want a woman to notice you, ignore her.

want her to love you, pay attention to her.

want her to hate you, tell her you love her...

some fucker just offered me 5000 followers for 5$... is this how all of you got (seem) so "popular"...? i'll earn mine through profanity, TY

my signature move is finishing last...

i hate seeing idiots txt while walking, but seeing a dude doing that & then tripping over a parked bike makes me feel a lot better about it.

"look at my boobs!!!


...


what are you looking at?!??! >:("...


-women

i talk to dumb ppl the same way i talk to a puppy...

"who's blocking the exit?? WHO? who's blockin' the way!?! YOU are! yes you are!!!"

who the fuck puts lettuce on nachos!?!?! fucking heathens!!

attention women who say "i'm so horny" in public:

no, you're not.

you're just starved for attention...

...always.

my gf just got upset with me because apparently it's my fault she doesn't actually exist :(

"69" is always a good way to get a smile out of a girl, unless it's the temperature and she doesn't have a sweater.

she never has a sweater

anyone that starts a convo with "i hate to be a dick, but,..." loves to be a dick...


i'm one, so you can trust me on that one...

sometimes you just have to lay back and let her have her way with your cock... like, twice a year... the rest of the time, have at her...

anyone wanna come over and watch david lynch movies 'til things get 'weird'...

UFC is just a bunch of dudes tryin' to beat the gay out of each other...

it's gonna be really weird when i realize we went to highschool together and hated each other, and now we're friends on twitter...

sometimes i hate people so much, i'd rip off my left nut just to have something to throw at them.

then i realise the stapler's right there.