When you put a metal spoon in the microwave, a magic leprechaun appears and grants you a wish. The government doesnt want us to know that.

Im a sucker for chicks that are sweetheart girly girls on the outside but insane crazy throat cutters on the inside.

Don't worry ma'am, I'm from the internet.

Just renamed my wifi to "homeland security secret network"

I wish Obama would walk over and slap that stupid little grin off Romney's face #debates

I saw a guy buying his wife a $25 gift card to Walmart earlier. What a hopeless romantic <3

Are kittens dishwasher safe?

Ever finger a girls butthole and felt a turd inside? Thats awkward...

I dont subtweet i just talk to myself

I liked how walmart had a bunch of ky jelly for sale next to the heart shaped cake pans in the valentines aisle

Cedric is not very entertaining.

My blood type is bacon grease <3

Professional wrestling is like soap opera for rednecks

I bet one of those vampires from Twilight would make a pretty awesome disco ball

A cheap motel is a lot cheaper than a DUI

Instead of giving you flowers i mailed them to africa so starving kids could eat them. I have a really big heart, baby

Its always a good feeling when u do cpr on someone and they actually "make it"

"b-b-But i poop from there!" -best porn line ever

Be careful at the pubs tonight, guys. Half those girls with "kiss me im irish" badges will be trannies.

eggs, no toast. coffee, no creamer. my refrigerator is full of fail this morning