#MentionSomeoneYouWillSexuallyDestroy wow that escalated really quickly from #CallACutieOut

.@extranapkins "pizza makes any night special," john repeated to himself, as he finished the pizza fort that would after tonight be his tomb

sir please do not use your new iPad as a ouija board b/c 1.) you will summon the spirits of the restless dead and 2.) it voids your warranty

"follow me on twitter because every couple of days i tell a funny joke" what else do you tweet "oh literally all of my thoughts"

Jerry Seinfeld heaves a rolled up carpet over the side of the bridge. "What's the DEAL with snitches?" he says, and laughs darkly.

LADIES: call me calculus because i seem complex and annoying at first, but once get to know me im even less likable #heyladies

dear whoever reads this: i love you

"Don't you see, cowardly lion? You don't need a detector to see who wants the D. Everyone wanted the D, all along!" #NaNoWriMoClosers

oh, sweetie, don't go near that man. he tweets a lot.

"where am i? is this hell?"Jose Canseco steps out from behind a stalagmite. "Welcome to my domain, Hater."he smiles as his arms turn to bats

Say Goodnight ~> browse twitter forever ~> birds are singing ~> oops

#ThreeWordsSheWantsToHear its not delivery

RT if you're still jenny from the block

sometimes i think about how seriously some people take Life and i shiver

plans for today:

stoners: if you don't smoke a bunch of weed tomorrow, then the terrorists have won

#BeforeiDieiWanna pop a molly without sweatin

"drinking is bad, feelings are worse"

too many keys on his keychain #JayZsActualProblems

"RT if the defendant is not guilty, fav if he is" justice in the year 20XX