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How to finger your girl right.
Step 1: use your tongue.
"Have they tried turning him off and then on again?" - Me, suggesting a cure for Stephen Hawking.
Me: mother, I have a boyfriend.
Mother: is he called Jean-luc and is french and imaginary?
My cousin got her PhD today. Meanwhile, I'm trying to figure out how to insert the straw in my Capri Sun without spilling it all over me.
After I fart I occasionally say "pardon me" because I'm a fucking lady!
Unfortunately, "funny" only gets laid when "hot" is completely drunk.
My tombstone will read "BRB" not "RIP", because I'm all for reincarnation.
What if whales are constantly crying and that is where the ocean comes from.
When an egg avi tells me I'm funny, I'm always, all, "Oh, did I crack you up?" Hahahah!
Get it..? No?
Jesus, tough crowd.
Just accidentally starred my own tweet and Kanye West surfaced out of thin air to high-five me.
"Think before you speak" - No fucking one on Twitter.
I hate racism. Racism is illegal and illegal things are for black people.
Playing twister is just a reason for Christian kids to dry hump.
I sometimes read a few of your tweets and think, "I wish you were more like Shakespeare".
It's cute how people STILL bend down to do their shoe laces in public and don't expect me to grab them by the waist and dry hump.
"Mum! You love pie?"
"Do you like apples?"
"WELL, you won't like what I have for you."
"No, your cat's dead"
I hate getting touched. I actually carry chalk with me and draw little squares everywhere I stand claiming them as my "personal space".
Ladies when you catch a guy staring at your chest he is not looking at your boobs he is staring into your heart.
I used to pray for a doll house when I was younger. I then realised that's not how God works.
I stole one and now I pray for forgiveness.