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Yoga pants are a privilege, not a right.
Breaking up with someone you were never dating is always tricky business.
Someone just looked thru the pictures on my phone. Obviously I can't let them leave here alive now.
Either you want to grab a girl by her hair and fuck her face. Or you don't. There is no in between.
I am worse than the girl your mother warned you about. Nobody had enough imagination to see me coming.
Little do you know that in my head I've already married you, divorced you, and hidden your body.
Fool me once, you must have been pretty fucking tricky. Fool me twice, you're dead. The end.
You know when you go thru a really shitty time in your life and two years later you look back & laugh? I'd like to skip ahead to that day.
I need to stop poking crazy with a stick.
Don't waste your time telling me how gentle you are going to be with me, skip ahead to where you pull my hair & smack my ass... Time saver.
Don't glare at me bc your husband just eye fucked me. Try swallowing. You're Welcome.
Some people have no idea how fucked they are. At least I own my crazy.
I'm ok with being the best thing you won't ever have.
You can only stay stuck in a miserable situation for so long before it becomes your own fault. Stop bitching about it.
My ability to star a tweet seven seconds after its been posted should qualify me as some sort of Ninja.
If a chick ignores every single one of your text messages, sending a picture of your junk is obviously the correct next step.
"sensitive" men aren't cute. Not sure why I ever thought that was a good trait to have. Nice, yes. Sensitive... Fuck no. Man up, bitch.
Marijuana & Masturbation. Guaranteed to brighten anyone's day.
Yoga pants aren't for everyone, but to the ladies that can pull them off, I thank you. Also, slow down a bit when you jog past my house.
My superpower is making all of the wrong boys fall in love with me. Apparently.