I hate it when all the guys at work align their hormones together and wear the same color shirt. What next? Ovulation?

I see more and more women with hyphenated last names. See, this is what you get when you give them rights.

@earth_pics if he had an iPhone, iOS maps may lead him to a cleaner pool of water

On certain issues, I constantly ask myself: What would George Carlin say about this? Normally my answer is: Go Fuck Yourself

It's only a walk of shame if you didn't get laid. Otherwise, it's a walk of fuck yeah

Know what I hate? Dealing with dreamy people who have unrealistic expectations for whatever it is they're pursuing.

More like AK-47% ...amirite?

Man, I wish I was a blue-eyed brunette, or an eccentric Canadian coffee drinker, or a naughty fruit. I'd be cool too.

There's never been a terrorist attack on Kentucky soil. Why? They have guns. Everywhere. Big. Fucking. Guns.

You can tell that someone is big into dancing because they tend to write like they're all over the place.

One way to be successful is to prevent people from knowing how much you suck.

@michaelskolnik and they're trained military that rob 7/11's **jerk off hand motion**

"Facebook and Twitter are the electronic versions of primates throwing feces at each other."

@youranonnews dude, everyone needs a slurpy

The NY Times has a great write-up today about birth control in their Special Pull-Out Section

I got trapped in the Earth's crust for 3 months and all I got was this crappy mining shirt.

I like to sit in traffic behind manual trans cars that don't hold their brakes at red lights and slowly push them forward into intersections

High school reunions are a great time to relive your past - laugh about growing up - meet your son.

A lot of gay men are still in the closet because they're trying to match their scarf with argyle socks.

You know what's cool? I meet people on Twitter based on their personality, and THEN I find out what the hell they do