a STUD is just an STD looking for U.

I've got no problem with Seal clubbing, since he broke up with Heidi Klum he should be allowed to go out dancing.

got my dick caught in a vice, not as bad as it sounds, my vice is strippers

Instead of calling people hipsters all the time how about just learning to spell pretentious.

before healing the sick Jesus often opened with the line, 'Check this shit out...'

I've been on my own ever since my spirit guide got ghostbusted in 1985.

I can hold my drink like a sailor - unfortuately that sailor is Sailor Moon

Why do I keep losing followers? Oh yeah, my tweets.

I've got a PHD in scrabble not to mention 4 other letters.

The scariest thing about the Paranormal activity 4 ads on youtube is the dude in the audience that throws popcorn into his own face.

I’m working on an idea for twitter the musical, it’s going to be huge. It has a cast of 140 characters.

I usually buy recycled/ enviro toilet paper, but my mum visited last week and got 4-ply, it's like wiping my arse with a velvet dolphin.

I once grilled a cheese sandwich but it still would tell me anything.

In the future bad acting is been outlawed, offenders are sent to a prison referred to as the Nicolas Cage.

I can't believe people were having sex in their adolescence when they could have been crying themselves to sleep listening to the Smiths

Reverse psychology is when you back your car over someone.

#YouKnowYoureInLoveWhen your collection of Smiths albums start to gather dust.

every now and then I use a blender, just to mix it up a bit.

being dumped by email might seem pretty insensative, but it's still better than being dumped via facebook status update

I put bilingual on my resume because I also know the language of love.