According to Walmart, we are now this dumb. http://t.co/ogr6wfTg

What kind of bar doesn't play burl Ives?

Took a trip on the Pres. George Bush Freeway in Dallas.
It suffers from poor planning and the signs all lie as to your destination.

Don't you feel silly carding me when you weren't alive when I was 21?

Oh. The MAYANS. I thought they were the WAYANS, who seem far less threatening.

Yoko Ono is 76 today. To celebrate, she is going to break up the Jonas Brothers.

What doesn't kill you makes you wonder if it was really trying.

Quit undressing my 140 characters with your eyes.

On the bright side, discussing my old girlfriends with the wife did lead to this opportunity to stare at the garage ceiling all night.

Never take an abacus to a slide rule fight.

Hotel room next door has tv on full blast. So I took his breakfast order slip from the door and checked off one of everything.

Do parents let small children run loose at airports in hope they will vanish? If so, they are smarter than they look.

Just shaved off the beard. When passing wife in the hall, she told me I have to get out before her husband gets home.

A birtday party for a one year old? Seriously? I mean, I like throwing cake and crapping myself too, but there's no liquor.

You wished me happy new year last year too.

Apparently you have zero influence.

The neighbors with the pool left on vacation. I promised to watch the house. From my raft.

In my day you didn't argue with the furniture.

This may apply to you. http://twitpic.com/5r3kgs

someday i need to do something about that all day intermittent ringing noise in my office.

I find that yelling "fire in the hole!" once a day really keeps the staff alert.