Damn it, I just found out texting while driving is bad. Glad I can still tweet while driving though.

If I had a nickel for every ear hair I plucked at work, I'd wonder why I didn't ask for quarters instead.

I've been feeling really old lately, it's time to buy a Buick.

With the hot humid temps this week my balls are having their first pool party of the year.

I judge grocery stores by the cleanliness of their restrooms.

Yup, still up.

The killing of bin Laden: Was it legal? http://bit.ly/lwow9Y (via @cnn)

Who cares? We got him. Rules shouldn't apply to terrorists.

If I drop a smarty on the floor I'll just throw it away. Unless it's purple, I'll blow purples off and then they're go to go!

Can someone look in the Guinness Book of World Records for most consecutive hours spent on twitter? I would but I'm too busy going for it.

My wife just had a fart that sounded like a camel complaining.

Help I can't feel my legs! I'm Danny Glover in Lethal Weapon 2, except instead if a bomb twitter is keeping me on the pot for way too long.

Just walked through the apartment pants-less wearing a white t-shirt. Damn it feels good to be a gangster.

It just dawned on me, I need more neat in my life. I can't remember the last time I looked at something and shouted NEAT!

Sometimes the hardest step you take on a journey is that half step hop you do after stepping in dog shit.

I think I'm going to start keeping a box at my desk, put my farts in it, then open it up when people I don't like come over.

If anyone sees my brain please let me know. I seem to have misplaced it somewheres.

The most entertaining place at my job is the bathroom, lots of stand up pee farters.

What the fudge nuggets are they talking about?

Now my brain is like driving through a rain storm at 90mph with wet greasy t-shirts for windshield wipers.

#ADDFTW

Because Friday is good this week Monday is Tuesday.