Sometimes when I read serious tweets I confuse myself trying to find the joke.

Following funny people on Twitter depresses me sometimes. Reminds me how not funny I can be at times.

Even when I'm really sick and stuck in bed I still can't manage to untangle myself from the clutches of my Twitter addiction. Oh well.

To all the couples who share a profile on Facebook: fucking stop that! You look like morons.

I star a ton of tweets on here but I give thought to each and every one of them. So if I've ever starred your tweet, you're welcome :)

Wow. I didn't think I could care less about life and then I started taking Prozac. Now my give a fuck button is completely broken.

Just mailed an actual letter in our home mailbox. Had to walk it out there and everything. I feel dirty now.

I didn't fuck the red headed girl from Six Feet Under today but I did get the microwave cleaned out so gonna consider today a success.

I feel like that guy in the movie Office Space. Everyday I show up at work and just do a good enough job not to get fired.

Do you ever hit the follow button wondering: 'am I going to regret this decision?'

I'm confused as to why so many people keep their accounts locked on Twitter. I like to keep my lame jokes available for all to enjoy.

In my Psychiatrist's office and they still have their Christmas tree up. Who's the crazy one now huh?

Did the guy next to me @ Starbucks really drag his laptop here just to play solitaire? He must be escaping his bitchy wife at home.

I. Fucking. Hate. People.

My cell phone and I are very surprised that she's made it this long without falling in the toilet. We're both really proud of me.

3am in the morning and I'm watching Three's Company. I can't decide if that's pathetic or cool and retro.

Nothing like working with the public to make you realize people are just fucking weird.

My cat looks like a cross between a cat and an owl. I'm gonna start telling people I have a cowl at home.

Laying my head down and pretending that everything is gonna be alright. I feel like its all I can do sometimes. Pretend its all ok.

Sometimes I dread Fridays on Twitter..."Hi, I'm Kelly and I'm addicted to following funny people on this crazy website."