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I've got a lazy nipple.
My vagina is smelling all flowery & delicate this morning. I should masturbate with a febreeze bottle more often.
Years of anal sex is taking it's toll. I've had a pen up my arse all evening & I've only just noticed.
Most of you won't know this but it's so tiring having a social life.
How long does sex stay in your system for?
Watching fart bubbles in the bath is so relaxing, until a turd pops up.
After struggling to throw a roll of carpet down the stairs, I have a new found respect for murderers.
I'm so angry, I could masturbate with a hammer.
The sex was so good that only one lip now fits in my knickers.
I stayed away from twitter for too long. I was just about to do a tweet about coat hangers that didn't involve abortion.
I'm not gagging on your penis, I just sucked up some of my snot off it.
I'm glad I pissed myself last night, there is never enough mess to clean up when i've been out.
I'm so horny the sound of a washing machine drives me wild.
I've got my tits out because I'm too drunk to see if my make up looks okay.
I quite like having my nails painted blue, they match my vagina.
The bloke dying on arachnophobia just did a great impression of me having an orgasm.
If I don't wear a tampon to the gym, I let everyone know I'm on my period by making squelching noises with my vagina.
I'm so dead inside even my period blood is black.