I've got a lazy nipple.

My vagina is smelling all flowery & delicate this morning. I should masturbate with a febreeze bottle more often.

Years of anal sex is taking it's toll. I've had a pen up my arse all evening & I've only just noticed.

Most of you won't know this but it's so tiring having a social life.

How long does sex stay in your system for?

Watching fart bubbles in the bath is so relaxing, until a turd pops up.

After struggling to throw a roll of carpet down the stairs, I have a new found respect for murderers.

I'm so angry, I could masturbate with a hammer.

The sex was so good that only one lip now fits in my knickers.

It was when I did things like this that I really missed twitter pic.twitter.com/obNZ3AlR

I stayed away from twitter for too long. I was just about to do a tweet about coat hangers that didn't involve abortion.

I'm not gagging on your penis, I just sucked up some of my snot off it.

I'm glad I pissed myself last night, there is never enough mess to clean up when i've been out.

I'm so horny the sound of a washing machine drives me wild.

I found a horse on my 50p. Will this scandal ever end? pic.twitter.com/yTxP3e857Y

I've got my tits out because I'm too drunk to see if my make up looks okay.

I quite like having my nails painted blue, they match my vagina.

The bloke dying on arachnophobia just did a great impression of me having an orgasm.

If I don't wear a tampon to the gym, I let everyone know I'm on my period by making squelching noises with my vagina.

I'm so dead inside even my period blood is black.