Don't get all full of yourself, Angie's List - last I checked, the number of holocaust victims you've saved is zero.

Watching Seahawks/Bills, taking place in Toronto, network showed skyline & holy crap, Canadians stole Space Needle!

Fact: on this day, Jesus' lone dyslexic disciple honored his return to Jerusalem by waving a lamp. #badpalmsundayjokes

"These things just don't cut paper very well." - Edward Handscissors

It's that time of year again when I wonder what to do with this Superb Owl joke.

Producers of Detroit Lions Kid Rock Thanksgiving halftime show consider this apocalypse lame.

I'm for banning pit bulls, mostly so I don't have to hear that terrible dance music.

Remember the eighties when we got drunk and faxed ex-girlfriends?

So, is anyone in Middle Earth going to a damn thing about shipping all of these jobs to Narnia?

Hey local beers with lots of hops, your name doesn't have to be a pun.

Mayans are calling bullshit on those "forever" postage stamps.

What happened to the trapezoidal free throw lane in Olympics basketball? As a fan of trapezoids, I’m disappointed.

@randyyjack In honor of being 20, tell women you want to “score” (works every time with honeys into the Gettysburg Address).

If Mayan predictions include the phrase “Badminton controversy,” then I’m officially impressed.

Hey allspice, no you’re not.

The Eighties was a great decade. I was unsure if I needed a credit card to ride this train, then suddenly—question answered!

Only takes two glasses of wine to kill that ridiculous, “I’m totally going to read the classics” idea.

@blitznbeans Phrase to make you chuckle and brighten your day: “Haiti Space Program.”

New rule, Seattle hipsters - any Sonics apparel!

Change your country's name to Bang! Ladesh and you'll triple your tourism industry. #marketing #yourewelcome