Fake tan. Fake boobs. Fake nails. Fake hair. Tell us again how you want a real man. I'm so very interested.

So Monsters Inc 2, Finding Nemo 2, and Toy Story 4... These little kids better get their asses OUT OF MY WAAAY!

My phone dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie...

You're getting back together with your ex? I bet things will go great this time.

Oh, you hate drama? Please continue to dramatically complain about it.

You and your boyfriend broke up? Please post some more Adele lyrics as your Facebook status.

Oh, you smoke cigarettes? You must have heard how beneficial they are to your health.

There should be a weight limit on leggings

Your life sucks? Make sure you make a Facebook status about it so the world knows.

What do you call someone who doesn't know how to use a condom? ..... Dad

If U See A Black Person Runnin , Bitch U Better Start Runnin Too

1. you get robbed 2. update facebook status 3. tweet about it 4. call 911.

I sent you a long text and you texted me back the letter "k"? You're so thoughtful.

When someone calls 'shotgun', I yell 'rosa parks' and sit in the seat and refuse to move.

Liam Neeson trained Batman, Obi Wan, and Darth Vader. He is both Aslan and Zeus...and he punches wolves. Why would you kidnap his family?

Oh, 50 people ‘like’ your bikini picture on Facebook? You must have a wonderful personality.

Oh, you're a DJ? You must be so good at pressing buttons on your laptop.

BEFORE SEX: you help each other get naked. AFTER SEX: you only dress yourself. Moral of the story, in life no one helps you once your fucked

You think your opinion matters? Aww, how cute.

What I hate most about Twitter: finishing a good tweet, having -1 characters left, and then having to decide which grammar crime to commit.