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I'm thinking about following Taylor Swift on Twitter and then unfollowing her just to see if she'll write a song about me unfollowing her.
I bet the reason the US is so happy about the possibility of finding life on Mars is so we can borrow money from them.
The best part of my day was taking off my bra just now.
Jennifer Aniston's fragrance is now available if you're curious what a 41 yr old actress w/ no range who can't keep a man smells like.
I've starred thousands of tweets and hardly remember any of them. Now I know exactly how Wilt Chamberlain feels.
WHEN YOU TWEET IN ALL CAPS I IMAGINE IT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE STANDING NEXT TO A HELICOPTER.
Home alone. Just like Macauley Culkin but much better looking as an adult.
The best thing about winter is how awesome my boobs look in this sweater.
Tonight I have discovered the best way to fold a fitted sheet is to set it on fire.
If I was a Bond girl, my name would be Callie Entay.
Put the dog outside to remind him who's boss. He came back in wearing a robe to remind me he'll be at home sleeping today. Well played, dog.
....and now begins the dance portion of our day. Oh wait, nope, that guy walking down the street has a limp. I thought it was Thriller time.
Dear Jennifer Aniston,
Re: your movies
All of us
Aww...I bet when Steve Buscemi's in love he gets all googly eyed. <3
Insomnia. It's like being on a meth bender, but with better teeth.
Someone tell new tweeters to knock that cheery good morning sunshine bullshit off.
I've woken up in a great mood 3 days in a row. Obviously, my body has been hijacked by the cast of Glee.
Great, these pants are more wrinkled than Tommy Lee Jones' face.
I hate mornings. I do not like them on a train. I do not like them on a plane. I do not like the here or there, I do not like them anywhere.
I'm sick and tired of Dora telling me she needs my help. Bugs Bunny never asked me for anything. Get your shit together, girl.