There is a big difference between "Star Wars" and "Star Trek."

...unless you want to get laid in the next year.

From The NASA Moon Bombing Mission Files:

The primary directive is to reduce the ever growing werewolf epidemic spreading across the globe.

All I remember from last night is a cannon, a bottle of whiskey, a pool cue, and two cute college girls without all their clothes on.

You want to "make sure we're on the same page" with a pointless meeting to justify your job?

Lady, we're not on the same fucking planet.

Often, I feel like I'm not doing this right.

Then, I remember there's no "doing Twitter right."

Then, I do your mom, and I feel better.

I don't know what #mymomsaid but #yourmomsaid my name a lot last night.

Hey coworker! I know you're concerned about your bank statement and all, but we've got way more important things to do. You know, like work.

Since when did Friday nights become deciding which electronic screen to sit in front of for hours on end?

I want my life back.

I love cooking.

It's like chemistry you can eat.

Kind of like meth.

Friendly Reminder: There is a big difference between "line of work" and "line of cocaine"


...unless you're a dealer.

@favstar That is asking way too much.

I'm a writer, not an actor, producer, director, gaffer, and boy grip.

Okay, so, I may be a boy grip.

While checking out at Target, I like to think about the frivolous purchases I make and convert their prices to hours of the cashier's lives.

I miss @nhmagpie.

Not having sideways kitty staring at me is making my life feel empty.

Oh, my \n.

I missed you.

So.

Much.

It.

Hurt.

I write in first-person omniscient voice.

In other words, I saw that.

I'll be honest with you: being mostly anonymous on Twitter is nice (and different, as my other account is my name), but it feels stifled.

Damn you, manic depression and your tear-inducing properties when mixed with string music and emotional television moments.

Today, a girl told me she wanted my Python.

I pulled out my dick for her.

Turns out she just wanted my code. Can someone come bail me out?

There are few things more important than love.

Bacon Swiss Chicken Combo from Arby's just happens to be one of them.

Reason We Couldn't Date No.1:

You're sooooooo out of my league.