I cried because I had no stars, until I met a man who had no tweets.

I really like eating bananas, but I feel gay doing it in public. Maybe if I stop dropping to my knees and moaning.

Recently I was told I have Attention Deficit something or another.

My cat does this cute thing where she makes people think I'm gay when I talk about her.

Just to be sure, I write "That's You!" on all my mirrors.

If your music is so loud I can hear it through your headphones, you probably won't hear me as I load my gun.

Broke up with my gf because we hardly ever had sex. Now I can hardly ever have sex with everyone I want.

Twitter suggested I might enjoy following myself.
I did. They're right. I'm a riot.

Sooner or later, every guy gets a visit from Aunt Flo's husband, Uncle ED.

"I just don't care about wiping anymore" said the guy to himself two weeks before he sat next to me on this bus.

Quick! Does anyone know how to change a solid into a gas? These are my favorite pants.

When God closes a video store he opens a Starbucks.

I'd probably get more done if my hand wasn't so sexy.

I keep telling myself over and over that I'm not OCD.

I love playing games on facebook. Right now I'm playing "How fat did the cheerleaders get?"

The name tag on the waitress's right breast said Linda. I didn't ask her what she calls the other one.

I'm still searching for a cool pose to strike while the dog is taking a dump.

I sprinkle googly eyes into the dog's food and now he craps out toys for all the neighbor's kids.

I saw my highschool crush today. I can't wait til she's 18!

Everyday I wake up and check the leaderboard and the obituaries to see which one lists me first.