Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
Allergy season is so bad today, people are turning meth back into Claritin.
When a hermaphrodite gets a sex change, an angel flips its mattress.
Bitching about bitching about Mondays is the new bitching about Mondays.
Following a tweeter with no favorites is like fucking a girl with a poor father.
How 'bout a Facebook app that goes straight to the swimsuit pictures?
I'm not sexist or anything, so I don't know how to tell you that you spell like a fucking girl.
- "Why do you have to be so condensating?"
- "I think you mean 'condescending,' but nevermind."
Okay - apparently strippers HATE Groupons.
I admire your vocabulary in the same way I admire someone who packs light for a trip.
People with no hands can't put them in the air and wave them like they just don't care. Cuz they do care. They care a fuckin' LOT.
If I knew the difference between fiction and reality, I would have saved a ton of money on this flux capacitor.
Just a couple more hours until grandparents everywhere start calling to say that Osama bin Laden is dead.
As far as I'm concerned, "Airplane Mode" means farting a lot and getting mysterious boners.
I bet bin Laden dropped epic loot.
Adulthood means never having to choose between Hammer Time and Popsicle Time.
Unless it dances or sings or some shit like that, the salad is not "amazing".
Turns out Schwarzenegger's mistress has a myspace page. In case you were wondering what caliber of trim you find on myspace...
Maybe some poor kid in Vietnam just came up with the real tweet of the day, but nobody will ever know.
The IT guy is trying to figure out the microwave. 20 minutes 'til it never works right again.
Dear Old People at the Grocery Store Checkout: Problem?