if you love your baby so much why don't you marry it

what is Barry even short for? Barald ?

I was thinking about going out for a late-night run but no I wasn't ever

feelin' pretty bad for the parents of the pre-teens who just saw how cool I looked smoking a cigarette drinking a 40 on my roof at 11 am

any gift I can't put mayo on is no gift at all

oh you guys are into "REAL lesbians" porn, huh? then you'll looove this *shows 9 hours of me and my gf looking at petfinder and eating soup*

ugh I hate that I misspelled "diarrhea" in my valentine's day text to my girlfriend

wow all these haters tryna act like they ain't got sandwiches in they purses too

probably time I change my voicemail message to "sorry I won't pick up your call ever or call back probably"

how do I best convey to this masseur that I want a happy ending (assisted suicide)?

whenever someone tries the ol' "my mom is dead" after I drop a your mom joke, I'm just like "prove it" and crip walk out of there

never have I ever been emotionally stable

bawl so hard make the whole accounting department worried (about my general well-being)

throwing in the towel and writing a rom-com starring katherine heigl and jennifer anniston called "no, *I* want to get married more!"

thank god I'm wearing sunglasses because I am sexually harassing every pastry I see

my dad was probably angrily shouting "get a job!" at me but I'm pretty sure I heard "get a dog!" so aye aye, dadptain (dad-captain)

okay YEAH I was the one who jammed the printer with lil bow wow pictures but those were going to be GIFTS for EVERYONE

good thing it's casual friday cause all that's clean is my full klingon battle suit

there is literally no reason for me not to call my dog "puppy chulo"

oh you're mad that I'm smoking near your kid well guess what I used his stupid hair to ash in so how about that