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So we are thinking about adopting a 16 year old so that we have live-in designated driver.
Going to a family reunion. It's kinda small since it's not so much a family tree, but a family twig. Love you, Uncle Dad.
They should play porn soundtracks instead of hold music. Then I'd have something to do while I wait for the conference call to begin
If you tell me I'm going to hell for not going to church but then complain about going to church I'll just wave when I see you in hell.
I still feel a little guilty taking my kid into the liquor store with me, but they gave her candy. Now she asks to go get liquor.
I say: I need some help getting ahead with the housework. He hears: I need head.
Just saw a magazine article that said people put their best self forward on twitter. Oh. My. God. This is the best we all have?
Broke a sweat last night and did some heavy breathing. Yeah, the kid got a hold of my phone + I ran her down b4 she could open up twitter
'Control freaks are so awesome to deal with' - no one
Well played spell check: you let me send a message to my boss that said 'your cunt looks skewed' when I clearly meant to type count.
I have blocked more people on fb than twitter. Guess I'd rather hear people brag about being a dick or bitch than those who are but deny it
I hate being the designated driver. I'd so much rather be the annoying chick trying to take her shirt off and kissing all the chicks.
Kinda sad that instead of ancestry.com, I have to look for my family history on incestory.com
Some sweet poetry for you all - I Naired the hair down there.
Yay me, I'm raising a psycho. The 8 yo saw a lady pushing a cart with a big black bag & asks 'so do you think there's a body in there?'
If I could save time in a bottle, I would happily shove it up the ass of everyone that is late for a scheduled meeting.
I can't tell if this is just an odd looking kid or a midget in front of me.
Be a dear, and come pop this zit on momma's forehead.
The husband is teaching our Russian neighbor how to modify fireworks to blow shit up. Welcome to America.
Wow this sexual harassment training at work is awesome. I've now got some really great pick up lines to use.