Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
Chocolate ice cream is the breakfast of champions. Fat, fat champions.
If you hold Rick Perry up to your ear, you can hear George Bush.
Not everyone on here is going to dig you. Pull up your big kid Underoos and get over it.
I have the potential to win Twitter because I don't mind sitting in the same position for 15 hours. Your move, deep vein thrombosis.
Going to ask the Mongolian BBQ chef tonight if we can avoid the sauce that resulted in my being able to shoot shit through a keyhole.
Just saved a bug from drowning.
Then dog ate it.
It was little dude's time to go.
It's the motherfuckin' circle of life over here.
I hope Chaz Bono is prepared to be upstaged when Nancy Grace's dick falls out of her unitard.
Most terrifying way to come fully awake: realize your mother is thumbing thru pictures on your phone.
Tackled her. She'll recover.
The phrase "I'll do that BEFORE I smoke this bowl," has been scientifically proven to have never been uttered by any stoner, anywhere.
Turns out you are supposed to dilute the hummingbird nectar. About to see some jacked up birds.
Found dried up hairball in my bed. I wish I could tell you I changed the sheets. I wish I could tell you that - but this is no fairy-tale.
"I shot a man in Chinos/
Just to watch him die..."
If Johnny Cash were a fashionista.
I seem to have overestimated my charm by several buttloads.
When I die, I hope it's in the express self-check out line.
Dude. Driving your windowless 1973 Econoline van 30 miles under the speed limit on the freeway is no way to get that meth where it's going.
Things I've learned on Twitter: Never, under any circumstance borrow a tube sock from a man. Or any sock, really. Don't even trust footies.
If you're wondering about my domestic skills, know I bought a new pair of shorts today rather than sew on a button. Inexplicably single.
I bet Nancy Grace's vagina can turn the mountains on a Coors can blue in like .25 seconds.
When Favstar says "Whoa! You are starring too fast," what I hear is "Whoa! Look who thinks she can read faster than a 1st grader!"
The nice motorcycle cop who gave me a ticket in a school zone this morning didn't appreciate my joke about teaching kids to walk faster. :-(