Why don't vampires just 'go down' on girls during their period, everyone's happy, problem solved

I just spent my last 30 bucks on @favstar bonus features, which may be the equivalent of buying magical beans from some guy on the street

Twitter Dress Code: No Pants

Why can't pelicans deliver babies?

I told myself, "I'm not gonna flirt with cute girls on twitter today" and according to Maury's polygraph results, "THAT, WAS A LIE!"

__But, enough about your tweets, let's talk about my tweets

____Pringles, are the 'fake boobs' of potato chips

If you can't be, with the one you love, be with the one that loves anal

If I keep my credit score bad enough my identity won't get stolen, I'm employing the same strategy for my tweets

_I've been gluten-free for eight months, today! Just kidden, I don't even know what that means

It turns out al-Qaeda was just pissed bcuz we didn't star their funny tweets

_Sometimes I think, "I shouldn't cut my own hair" this usually happens immediately after I've cut my own hair

_If you are wearing a baseball cap and the brim is flat straight across, I'm going to murder you

Twitter, the final frontier, these are the voyages of the Favstarship Enterprise, it's continuing mission to explore strange new followers..

When I read ya'll's inspirational tweets, I read them, three or four times, and then I think; The fuck, does that even mean?

_I've been working out and my arms are getting HUGE , well ok, not huge, but big, ok not big, but, oh fuck, nevermind

_I'm to lazy to ever have an OCD, cuz I'd be all like, aw, fuck the light switch

_This recycled toilet paper smells like shit

I want to write, direct, and star, in my own tweet

I think my neighbor's kitty, is a member of an evil cat terrorist organization known as 'al-Qitty'