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In the future, everyone will have 15 minutes of privacy.
I have a copy of "Me Time for Dummies" if anyone wants to come over and read it with me and hang out all day and maybe tomorrow too.
You are not alone in your room, eating crackers and crying. I mean… of course you are, but WE are many.
I am having a drug underdose right now.
Little kid with the staring problem who fell down without breaking eye contact—I like your style.
How fucking adorable would a bonsai tree forest fire be
What's the medical name for when you just keep eating raw cookie dough all the cookie dough all of it I will never stop
The first rule of Existence Club is.
We all die alone. You will die alone. Sure, I can hold.
Butt science. Science of butts.
No I did not know that about your cat.
The best part about having a $900 pen is writing checks to the homeless for "zero dollars, zero cents and quit acting like you have PTSD."
When the aliens arrive, we're just not going to have answers for questions like "OK, but why all the blue pants?"
If I went back in time right now, no one would ever believe me because I don't even know the recipe for toothpaste.
Just ate an oatmeal cookie and probably going to live forever now if anyone needs me to check in on their great-grandkids or tortoise.
Most texts I send look like so: "Be there in 10-15 of your 'earth minutes.'"
The only thing stopping dolphins from driving cars is WTF IS WRONG WITH MY BRAIN.
Just a guy arguing with a shopping cart, trying to make it in this crazy world.
What's the German word for waking up on top of the covers, fully-clothed, cradling an owl?
I just unlocked the 'Serotonin Deficiency' badge on Sadsquare!
Perspective-enjoyer, works for @twitter as @dustinkimmel, SF via Chicago