Tomorrow night is @311 in SLC! Can't wait to make it my 7th year of the #UnityTour in a row ❤💛💚 #311 #SlightlyStoopid http://t.co/FKoNfcnn

Got to work and realized I was wearing both shirts backwards. Thank god tomorrow is Friday.

Ever see a pretty girl and when you get closer she's a dude? Yeah me neither.

@nobeardryan ha I totally looked, fucker. I feel like I just baby-raped a little boy.

@punkutah wouldn't be an American holiday without the obligatory home owners insurance claims w/ humiliating origins.

I finally get why dudes live like they do: cuz a George Foreman grills the fuck outta anything, and laundry on the floor is still laundry.

I don't buy celebrity products cuz they ALWAYS suck ass.

But the @katyperry eyelashes are kind of fabulous. ❤ http://t.co/OT6gYumn

My night has been perfect. http://t.co/SvcJJiox

Karma IS a bitch and it WILL come back to fuck you.

"holy shit, how many cars does this guy drive??" - @nibrocyak_123. "um well he's a drug dealer, so yeah, lots" -me.

Finger. Tattoos. Suck. Balls.

Texting about a herniated disk and all my phone wants to talk about is herniated dick.

... And it all changes in the blink of an eye

I want a hand tattoo sooooo bad. Oh wait. I get one next week ❤

Tried to sneak in late to work today. I was one floor from safety when the elevator door opened and in walked my boss #shouldatakenthestairs

I hate when my boss is all up on my nuts.

OH MY GOD WE HAVE CORNDOGS

Out in the streets, they call it muuuuuurder

Just not feeling it.

Lol this girl's getting a tattoo and her artist just told her to sack up or shut the fuck up. Hahaha...