Have you held your hostage today?

Had the sex talk with my daughter. Cleared up a few questions. Now I know as much as she does.

If you delete your Google+ account, don't be surprised if they send someone to your house. Google Satellite knows where you live.

If you oppose gay marriage, don't marry a gay person.

A person hasn't been truly ignored until he's been ignored by a cat.

I've reached the age where I'm more comfortable watching the History Channel than MTV. I'm dead and don't know it, aren't I?

Have you ever noticed that what people don't understand, they fear? And what people fear, they try to destroy?

Every time I see a Prius, I feel like it should be powered by Fred Flintstone feet.

A new McDonald's just opened in town. I think I saw Glenn Beck working the drive thru.

My commitment-phobia is so strong, that even trying to tweet a fake marriage proposal makes me break out in hives and start seizing.

Guns don't kill people. Guns make it easier for people to kill several people quickly.

My son told me that his friend's mom was flirting with my ex-husband. She's a really nice lady; I had no idea she was smoking crack.

Instead of wasting all that time on Obama's birth certificate, why couldn't somebody have asked to see Sarah Palin's high school diploma?

I'm a complete failure as a mother. My son came home from the after-prom beach weekend and showed me his leftover vodka. They had leftovers?

I don't pay much attention to Twitter drama. It will work out, or it won't. I have teenagers. They provide all the drama I can handle.

I have spiritual beliefs, but I won't show you mine if you don't show me yours.

If you hold the package just right when you pop it open, you can shoot Ramen noodles all the way across your kitchen.

People see what they want to see, and then get angry when reality doesn't match their perception.

I have to admit I don't get much done in the kitchen. My signal is just terrible in there.

In dog years, I'm dead.