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I can eat more than most men. Except for twat. I don't eat that.
I'd just like to thank those who advised me to take a salaried position, where there is always overtime work but no overtime pay. Bite me.
I was never abused as a child...but my sister did lock me in the den when the ice cream man drove by on several occasions. So I get you.
Retweet this if you too, have googled colloquial terms for refrigerator'.
I don't want to see her panties drop...Id rather see a girl with a big ass struggling to get them off as fast as she can.
Mormon missionary: Remember that Jesus is watching you.
Me: Why? He knows what he created.
Men are like wine.
We start off as grapes, then women smash the hell out of us to make us into something cool to have dinner with.
I hope a beer falls out of my refrigerator when I open it in a sec. Pray for me.
Dude, I can see how much you love your wife by being on all social media formats 24/7.
We live in a world of disappearing virtues. Yet people love superheroes.
Try saying something nice about every person you bump into tomorrow.
It's a lot harder than you think.
Sweatpants... Yoga pants... Pizza
I was really into religion until I found out about dinosaurs and other rational data.
There are some dates where I’ve actually prayed for awkward silence.
I'm okay with "babe" but dudes who call their girlfriend "baby" are creepy as fuck.
You haven't got her if your tweets aren't the first thing she checks in the morning.
The cool mom in the neighborhood. The go-to nurse in the unit. Pretty tame by Twitter standards. Too inappropriate for Facebook.