Home is where the House Arrest is.

I bought a new pillow today. It's not bedtime yet, so I'm just carrying it around with me.

Anytime I eat food with artificial colors, part of me dyes inside.

You call it premature ejaculation. I call it early onset naptime.

Twitter is the only place where the majority supports same sex marriage but not opposite sex marriage.

I would love to steal your body heat.

Between menopause and a psycho libido, my 40's will just be referred to as The Wet Years.

I've slowly been switching out my black socks for Mom's, cause hers are better. Otherwise, I'm a good daughter.

I was told my home decor looks like someplace June Cleaver & Ansel Adams secretly met for apple pie & bondage.

Insult or compliment?

Roses are red.
Violets are blue.

Get in the van.

Can’t believe there isn’t a Miss International Women’s Day beauty contest.

You don't really realize how picky ugly people are until you join a dating site.

It doesn’t matter what color of Bra I wear - my breasts go with everything

When the sea is vast
between the coasts,
The size of the boat
matters the most.

It's amazing how little you care about the rain if you've just been struck by lightning.

So the Pope is stepping down. It's got to be hard to tell his boss to take this job and shove it.

I was asked to join the social committee at work. I chuckled to myself and pretended not to hear them.

It was an act of tourism - George W Bush.

Today is my ex's birthday. Hope he chokes on his birthday cake, and aspirates on his own vomit. I'm not bitter, I'm organized and patient.

My laptop was making this awful droning noise for over an hour before I realized it was my wife talking to me.