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Military Roombas get tossed through 2nd-story windows to seek out & defuse bombs. Is it too much to ask for mine to vacuum my fucking steps?
Rocking back and forth and shaking with the cold sweats are symptoms of withdrawal, right? I really, really need a Heath Bar Blizzard
After my third sunburn, I guess it's time to face the fact that my forehead now extends well up into my hairline when applying sunscreen
My post-sinus infection tissues look like an infant's diaper. Only browner. And lumpier
On the 7th day of antibiotics God said "let there be sputum" and there was sputum. And the lungs saw the sputum and that it was good sputum
Sinus infection side effect: inside of my sinuses smell like burnt Eggo waffles. Strange considering I lost my sense of smell six years ago
Was surprised when the neighbors complained about my loud coughing keeping them awake all night. Usually it's the farting
I just want someone to stand behind me and hold me tight
To keep my internal organs in place while this wracking cough slowly consumes me
Why is it perfectly acceptable for three male coworkers to eat lunch at the park, but totally gay for just two? Asking for my gay coworker
Great, now I've got a cold on top of my already crippling jerk-off Kleenex monthly bill
It's much more satisfying being happily divorced than happily married. Happily married just means you haven't started hating your spouse yet
All I'm saying is I've been in asses that weren't that tight
Ever been constipated so long you have to brush your teeth?
When she saves the last golden Oreo for you...
Google thinks I look like a boy's left boob