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My husband just cleaned the entire oven unprovoked. He is definitely getting laid tonight.
ATTN PEOPLE OF THE INTERNET: PLEASE USE FACTS
According to my 2 year old: "If you're happy and you know it, crap your hands!"
Nothing says "I want to look half dressed" like those goddamn shirt dresses.
Tomorrow, I'll politely give my 2-week notice while saying "suck my fat dick" under my breath.
Honestly, I don't give a shit why you are in favor of an anti-gay marriage amendment. You ought to be ashamed of your damn selves.
Religious shitbags. Everywhere.
Dream job offer received.
Fuck cancer. I'm holding some very special people in my heart right now and hope they have the strength to make it through this bullshit.
CEO just sent out an international all-company holiday email in Comic Sans.
When I hunt and kill a grapefruit, I use or eat every part of it.
If everyone just loaded the dishwasher likes it's a game of Tetris we would be FINE.
OK so all the kids went apeshit when Paul Simon came on at the 5-year old's bday party. Go figure.
If I have to update one more fucking iPhone app I'm going to drop my pants and piss all over this phone.
Parent, feminist, atheist. Recovering entertainment biz pro. Not interested in God, Jesus or jewelry parties.