"When you wish upon a star, your a few billion lightyears too late. That star is dead, just like your dreams"

"Im not 'single'...im 'independently owned & operated'."

You think a drunkdial is bad? Imagine if we had teleports....

There should be an auto correct for drunk-texting that changes "I miss you" to "fuck off". Come on, developers. Make it happen.

Oh, my neighbor wants to play the music game. I see his hip-hop and raise him dubstep.

I am who I am, love me or leave me....hey! Get back here! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PICK THE FIRST ONE!!!! WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!??!

“Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.” -Oscar Wilde

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

This elevator teases me every time with that "going down" shit.

"She loves you for who she thinks you are. If she ever saw the real you, shed never get over it" #dexter

Sometimes you realize who your friends are by who is still there when shit hits the fan. Sometimes by who stays loyal.

If my car got in a fight w a tornado, it really would fly like a g6....

When we're kids, going to bed early is a punishment. As an adult its a reward.

Omg lmao, sooooo funny! http://t.co/qN0niuDw

OH: "Because, like...if it were a legitimate hurricane, Tampa has ways of just shutting the whole thing down."

And I'm off to take a pre-employment drug test. I studied, it's cool.

Was just yelling at my dogs about eating my peanuts. Pretty sure the neighbors thought I was yelling "you ate my penis! That was my penis!"

I love when guests put on a new roll when they use last of tp, but hate when they put it on backwards. Dont know which feeling is stronger.

BFFs cc/ @z_williamson @ocarinaoftom http://t.co/YgqkLMzo

Being a straight girl in a gay bar is like being a diabetic kid in a candy store.