Sometimes I pretend Twitter's 140 character limit is a merciless god, and the letters I have to delete are sacrifices to appease him.

I prefer porn sites that involve group sex, because it also lets me fantasize about having friends.

A fat guy's penis is like an iceberg. Only 10% of it is actually showing. Also, no one wants to see it on a cruise ship.

I have a shitty car to compensate for my giant penis.

Am I crazy for thinking everyone on twitter is really just one person trying to trick me?

Something I never want to hear again, the day after a date: "Hey, I checked out your twitter."

It's fun when you meet someone off twitter for the first time and they don't kill you.

I like Twitter because people who aren't on it see me on my phone and think I'm texting. That way I seem rude instead of incredibly lonely.

I'm bringing sexy back.


To the store for a refund. Cuz mine is broken.

"I'm just gonna rub my face on this for a little bit." -- cats

The regular moon just showed back up wearing glasses and asking what happened. Funny how he's never around when super moon is...

I like to fondle your avatar with my mouse arrow.

I'm suspicious of people that tweet generalized, over-reaching things, like "I believe in the power of the human will." Settle down people.

At any given moment, I have no idea what I'm doing.

You know that moment after you stub your toe and you close your eyes and wait for the pain you know is coming? Thats where I live.

I'm honestly not sure whose lawn I'm driving through.

My phone wanted to autocorrect TotD to TitS.

Good phone. Good.

I've been playing a nonstop game of THE FLOOR IS LAVA since 1987.

That time airplanes crashed into the World Trade Center is my 9/11.

My dreams last night are best described by the following sentence: "Walking around with no pants, trying to look at girls with no shirts."