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My youngest was just on my scale shouting "look Mommy, I'm on you're crying machine". Fucking asshole kids.
I walked a mile in your shoes, and you're even a bigger asshole than I thought.
I just put Red Bull in my coffee maker instead of water and now I can see noises!!!
Anyone who says I'm racist hasn't seen my porn collection.
My GPS says: "Estimated time of arrival". I hear: "Time to beat".
Ever pull out your wallet from your coat pocket and your bra from last night goes flying across the counter at Starbucks? Oh. Ya. Me neither
I am so fucking pissed off at my boyfriend, so I just pulled down my pants and flossed my ass with his pillow.
I smuggled a whole bunch of booze in to work today using my stomach.
Today I feel like a tampon. I'm in a good place, at the wrong time...
True love is built on a foundation of trust. Sweet, hot, sweaty, dirty, naughty, sexy, naked passionate trust.
Boyfriend: Why so long in the ladies washroom? Me: Well, if all the stalls are busy, we all have nipple sword fights until they're free.
Are women supposed to shake the nozzle after pumping gas? Or is that a guy thing?
Caught sleeping at my desk today, I raised my head and said, 'in Jesus' name, Amen!' My Boss is fucking meeting me at church this Sunday.
Just pulled my pants down fast because I really had to pee and the stuck 'Always' pad just fucking half Brazilian-waxed my vagina!
You're still complaining about not getting stars?! You sound like a circle jerk fag... try saying something funny, asshole. You're welcome.
Just because I weigh as much as TWO women... doesn't mean you had a threesome.
Since I've moved into my new home a few weeks ago, I haven't seen one spider. What the fuck are they planning!?
I just walked in on my boyfriend and saw that his dick was in a tube sock... so does it really mean he is cold?
You bring the booze. I'll bring the vagina. You're welcome.
If I died in my sleep tonight and went straight to hell, it would take me at least three weeks to realize I'm not in my marriage anymore.
Mom of two. Personal Trainer, Fitness Instructor and Superhero at night. @katanaman68 is my bitch. Canada - Gateway to the... damn its cold!