My youngest was just on my scale shouting "look Mommy, I'm on you're crying machine". Fucking asshole kids.

I walked a mile in your shoes, and you're even a bigger asshole than I thought.

I just put Red Bull in my coffee maker instead of water and now I can see noises!!!

Anyone who says I'm racist hasn't seen my porn collection.

My GPS says: "Estimated time of arrival". I hear: "Time to beat".

Ever pull out your wallet from your coat pocket and your bra from last night goes flying across the counter at Starbucks? Oh. Ya. Me neither

I am so fucking pissed off at my boyfriend, so I just pulled down my pants and flossed my ass with his pillow.

I smuggled a whole bunch of booze in to work today using my stomach.

Today I feel like a tampon. I'm in a good place, at the wrong time...

True love is built on a foundation of trust. Sweet, hot, sweaty, dirty, naughty, sexy, naked passionate trust.

Boyfriend: Why so long in the ladies washroom? Me: Well, if all the stalls are busy, we all have nipple sword fights until they're free.

Are women supposed to shake the nozzle after pumping gas? Or is that a guy thing?

Caught sleeping at my desk today, I raised my head and said, 'in Jesus' name, Amen!' My Boss is fucking meeting me at church this Sunday.

Just pulled my pants down fast because I really had to pee and the stuck 'Always' pad just fucking half Brazilian-waxed my vagina!

You're still complaining about not getting stars?! You sound like a circle jerk fag... try saying something funny, asshole. You're welcome.

Just because I weigh as much as TWO women... doesn't mean you had a threesome.

Since I've moved into my new home a few weeks ago, I haven't seen one spider. What the fuck are they planning!?

I just walked in on my boyfriend and saw that his dick was in a tube sock... so does it really mean he is cold?

You bring the booze. I'll bring the vagina. You're welcome.

If I died in my sleep tonight and went straight to hell, it would take me at least three weeks to realize I'm not in my marriage anymore.