People on Twitter hate 5 things.
1.Facebook
2.Sarah Jessica Parker
3.Nickleback
4.Manual RT's
5.Having to do actual RL stuff.

I wish someone loved me like king kong loves white women.

It's 5:00 am. I've realized i've become obsessed with being like you people. You are to me what hollywood celebrities are to normal people.

So is it okay if I list all of you as emergency contacts??

You know it's time to grow up and move out when you tell your mom you're hungry and she answers "that's nice."

I live with three ladies that are 53, 65, and 79. It's like living with the mexican golden girls.

I dislike two things when a Christian never shuts up about being Christian and when an atheist never shuts up about being an atheist.

According to studies done by me sex is pretty awesome.

I realized I hand out stars like a terrible/mega rich rapper hands out one dollar bills.

I'm pretty sure I was a sofa in my past life.

We live in a world where a homeless man might actually worry that he hasn't updated his FB status in a while.

It's hilarious when an old person shows you a FWD text you got five years ago.

When I get rich I'm going to get James Earl Jones to give me the lecture he gave simba about bravery just so I can fully become a man.

"I'm a pretty big deal on the Internet"-nudity

You can tell alot about a person by reading their bio and by alot I mean whether they're retarted or not. 83% of the time they are

My gf hates when I fart. Especially in her face! Good thing she's asleep.

I swear McDonalds will take over the world if they ever decide to sell pizza.

I've never been addicted to crack but I'm pretty sure I'd be really good at it.

My family thinks its weird that I'm sitting in the restroom laughing by myself but I'll never tell them about us.

It's not rape if you're really ugly it's called a favor.